I met my husband the second day of college, two weeks after my 17th birthday. Fast forward three years and it was obvious we were heading toward marriage.
When he suggested tying the knot before commencement, I was surprised and a bit resistant. That’s simply not the typical order of operations. But I warmed up to the idea and happily married when I had one semester left, and he had three.
We had very little money and even less income during the early months of our marriage, yet our youthful union turned out to have unexpected financial benefits.
Phase 1: Both in school
During our first few months, I was student teaching and not earning income. Neil worked about eight hours per week at his internship, for a monthly net income of around $1000. We were also paying for private health insurance until one of us got a job with benefits. We lived off of his income, with a bit of help from our pooled premarital savings and wedding money.
Phase 2: Kalie graduates
During the first summer, Neil interned full time, I worked as a nanny, and we were both relieved that I landed a teaching job for fall. The back-up plan was for me to work as a substitute teacher. At the beginning of his senior year, Neil accepted a full-time position with his company upon graduation.
During the following year, Neil worked fewer hours per week than he’d ever worked during college. His grades had always been solid, but they improved since he was finally able to focus more on his coursework. Though he already had a job, finishing a rigorous five-year program with a GPA hike was encouraging.
It’s no secret that first-year teachers don’t make much. We had a lot more money than the year before, but decided to live like college students as much as possible, for as long as possible. Getting married while still in school set our standards of living fairly low. Sharing a quiet one-bedroom apartment felt luxurious compared to the many roommates we’d rented with previously. Our rent was less than the combined amount we’d been paying for rundown houses in a pricey college town. I even convinced Neil to pack a lunch instead of buying Taco Bell near campus.
For many couples, marriage marks the beginning of being a “real adult,” so to speak. That’s when it’s time to buy that first home where you’ll start your life together. Then you remodel and decorate the home to make the space yours. Perhaps you purchase a new car or two.
We didn’t have any money for these “adult” steps, so we embraced the simple lifestyle that worked just fine throughout college. We bought used furniture, accepted hand-me-downs, and shopped at the same discount grocery store we knew and loved from our student days. For entertainment we walked our new city, and invited friends over.
Phase 3: Neil graduates
Once Neil graduated, our income increased, but our lifestyle increased only slightly. We splurged on a trip to Europe we saved for that first year. We took road trips, went out with friends, and I got a membership to the gym within walking distance. While lifestyle creep is all but inevitable,measuring your spending against your college-day budget can provide welcome perspective on wants vs. needs.
Simple living. If we had waited longer to marry, I imagine we would have spent more on our wedding rather than keeping it simple. We also would have set up our home differently, probably opting for a larger apartment or buying a home much sooner than we did. Perhaps we wouldn’t have been willing to live in our friends’ basement. Spending wasn’t really an option, so we kept a simple lifestyle and largely stuck with it, even after our income increased. From the beginning we made a habit of giving money to our church, missions work, and poverty relief. Establishing this from day one has helped us practice generosity consistently.
Working as a team. Getting married so young made it easy to combine not just our finances, but our dreams. Travel, giving, and volunteer ministry were values we shared. We also began operating as a financial team. Neil was better at seeking financial education by reading about personal finance. I was better at budgeting and keeping our living expenses low. We each taught the other our fortes, rather than attacking each other about our weak areas.
We grew up financially together. Neil’s interest in personal finance certainly paid off. We learned about topics like investing, insurance, and mortgages together. Every choice we made was researched and discussed until we could agree on a course of action. Though we’ve certainly had differences of opinion, our basic financial philosophy was formed in a process we were both very much a part of. This blog is one outcome of this financial formation.
Transition to parenthood. Our early days taught us to live on one income, which prepared us for allowing me to stay at home with our young children. We agreed this was our plan before we got married, and six years later we had a seamless transition. I’d already left my full-time job for freelance writing, which I continued part-time until our second child was born. We also put the student loans behind us and purchased a home we could afford on one income.
The timing of our wedding was unconventional, but I’ve never regretted it. What’s best for each couple is different. Just don’t assume you have to follow the “normal” timeline of life events. I wouldn’t recommend marrying before you can support yourselves, but that may be easier than you think if you avoid drastic lifestyle changes.
Have you ever deviated from the norm when it comes to life events? What would you say to someone who wants to get married while in college?
My friend described her mother’s meal-planning approach: every day she’d browse through Bon Apetit, choose a recipe, and shop for the ingredients. My mom, who was feeding a family of seven, would scan the grocery circular and build meals around the sale items. Not everyone has the time or inclination peruse food magazines or even grocery ads, yet planning ahead for meals is one of the best ways to stay within your food budget.
When we were first married I planned meals a month in advance! Now I spend less than ten minutes per week meal-planning, and my family eats healthfully on half the USDA’s “low-cost” food plan. Check out these simple speed-strategies that may be quite different from your parent’s approach to meal planning.
- Create a rotation of familiar favorites.
What are your favorite meals to cook and eat? List five to seven ideas, or however often you make dinner at home. Next, write a “master” grocery list including all the items you need for these meals. Save it digitally and check which items you need to replenish before grocery shopping. If you’re a diehard creature of habit, you might like to assign each dish to a certain night of the week. It takes all the guesswork out and is a great way to get in the habit of cooking at home.
- Schedule themed days.
Maybe you can’t stand the thought of eating the same meals week after week. Instead, create a schedule of themed days that allow for more flexible. For example, Taco Tuesdays could involve different proteins or toppings, while still offering some structure to speed meal planning. Other themes ideas include main ingredients like Pasta Night, Meatness Monday; your favorite ethnic cuisine; or a go-to dish, such as pizza or curry. (My all-time favorite is Leftover Night)
- Batch cooking tailored to your schedule.
Is one part of your week busier than another? On less hectic days I like to cook larger, more involved meals that will provide leftovers later in the week. I also might cook a lot of one protein, to be used into two or more dishes. For example, shredded chicken or ground beef can be incorporated into a wide variety of recipes. Or grilled or baked proteins can later be served with different sauces. You can batch cook more than one meal at once, or simply prep a protein to streamline meal prep later in the week.
- Planning around protein sales.
If you want to shop sales but feel overwhelmed by grocery ads or remembering prices, focus on purchasing your proteins on sale, since this is often the most expensive ingredient in a recipe. See what’s on sale—ahead of time if possible—and brainstorm two or three meals using that same main ingredient as the basis for your recipe. Pinterest, Yumly, or other recipe curating web sites might help if you need ideas. But if you find those sites overwhelming, it’s better to stick with your favorite cookbook.
- Planning by cooking method.
For the busiest days, I plan ahead for quick recipes using the grill or pressure cooker. If I’ll have time at home but want a hands-off dish, the oven is my friend. Sometimes I want to unwind through culinary therapy and choose a hands-on, stove-top recipe. Of course the slow cooker is a stand-by for long busy days. Connecting these cooking methods to your scheduling needs can help set you up for meal planning success.
- Mix & match.
I use a combination of the ideas above to power meal planning. Practice has helped me become flexible and fast about making our menu, but I continue to think in categories: meatless dishes, 2 dishes from a large package of chicken, Thai, Indian, Mexican, etc. I enjoy trying one new recipe some weeks. This keeps things interesting and allows us to discover new favorite while keeping home cooking manageable throughout the week.
- Subscription services that plan meals for you.
If none of the ideas above appeal to you or meal-planning is just not your thing, you might try one of the subscription services that do the work for you. Many allow you to specify dietary restrictions, food preferences, and even tailor menus to weekly sales at various grocery chains. An affordable menu service could actually help you lower foods costs by reducing over-spending, food waste, and last minute dining out. I’ve never used one, but if you could recommend one, we’d appreciate your comments!
For more tips for cutting back your grocery budget without sacrificing nutrition, check out:
Do you find meal planning saves you money? How do you plan meals?
If you’ve ever reached a significant financial goal, congratulations! Maybe you saved an emergency fund, paid off a loan, or earned a promotion. Or you paid for a vacation or holiday gifts in cash. Feels great, doesn’t it?
But if you’re anything like us, you might find yourself floundering in the wake of your victory. The laser-focus that directed your progress can vanish once the finish line is behind you. Perhaps you loosened the reins on your spending, or even celebrated a bit too lavishly. Or rushed right into the next goal without recovery time, feeling burnt out and unmotivated. Here are some ideas for transitioning between goals successfully.
- Plan your celebration. Don’t let goal celebration week turn into month or quarter of pricey festivities. Choose one or two special ways to celebrate and determine approximately what they’ll cost. Dreaming about this reward ahead of time can be a great way to stay motivated. Of course, you can plan some free ways to mark the occasion, as well.
- Update your budget. Pull out that spreadsheet and update your numbers. We don’t fuss over a monthly budget much, but it’s important to plan for major changes to your income or expenses. Do so ahead of time if possible. Otherwise you stand the risk of letting that “extra” disappear if it’s unaccounted for. Updating your budget also lets you know exactly what you’re working with for your next goal.
- Set your next goal. I know it sounds obvious, but it can be hard to think past your current goal when you’ve got gazelle-like intensity. Or maybe you have too many goals in mind to choose from. Make a list, order them by importance, and record the dollar amounts each might require—total, and monthly. Refer back to your budget and decide which or how many goals to queue up.
After purchasing our home and paying off our student loans, we coasted for about a year without much financial direction. Fortunately we maintained the basics like saving, giving, and investing, but I wonder what we could have achieved with a clearer goal in mind.
- Expect some extra expenses. While pressing toward your goal, you may have deferred some spending. Maybe it’s home maintenance, a car repair, or replacing worn clothing or furniture. Saving for special purposes like your next vehicle or vacation may also need renewed attention. It’s fine to delay certain expenses until you meet your goal, but don’t be surprised if you have some catching up to do. Try listing these expenses before and/or after meeting your goal. Warning: catching up can be a let-down. Costs like replacing an old toilet or getting new tires can feel pretty boring after you’ve reached a lofty goal, but that’s just life. #adulting
- Give yourself some time off. This might sound dangerous, but you could feel defeated if your first couple months of extra income or lower expenses leaves you feeling broke. The cost of celebrating plus catching up on delayed spending can add up. That doesn’t mean you’re failing. If you need a month or two to recover before striving for the next finish line, go ahead! Just return to your routine spending habits after your recovery period and your budget will normalize.
- Remember what you’ve accomplished. The goal that once felt so significant might start to seem small in hindsight. Don’t take for granted that you accomplished something big for you. Be encouraged by your goal-setting success and let that spur you toward your next victory.
If you’ve already met a goal and are struggling to get your bearings, it’s not too late to take the steps above. Give yourself grace, remember your success, and get excited for your next goal. You can do it!
Have you ever lost motivation after reaching a goal? How did you get back on course?
Our summer was too much fun. It’s my favorite season, and we try to swim, camp, garden, and travel as much as possible without over-doing it. Lest we seem like ascetics after our post on wants vs. needs, here’s evidence that we have plenty of fun around here.
First, some updates on our burbstead goals:
I didn’t learn how to can because we were able to keep up with our tomatoes. I helped with the prep for Neil to preserve 16 jars of salsa, as well as making several large batches of fresh pico de gallo. Neil and his brother canned two pecks of jalapenos into sweet-hot slices also known as cowboy candy.
The remote garden was unsuccessful. We just got too busy to take care of it, and it was a very dry summer for us. Maybe next year we’ll build more raised beds or give our community plot proper attention.
We didn’t catch a swarm of bees. Maybe our bait box was too small. We can try again next year. The beauty of the burbstead is that everything is small scale, the learning curve is gentler, and we don’t have to spend much to pursue these fun, productive, kid-friendly hobbies. We also fit in lots of suburban fun which wouldn’t be possible if we had more ‘stead to attend to.
Here’s is a sampling of our activities this summer:
Went on two vacations! The first was to Western New York, i.e. the middle of nowhere. It’s beautiful farm country. It wasn’t our first choice destination, but we didn’t plan ahead well, and still had fun. We visited two different Great Lakes beaches, saw the “Grand Canyon of the East” at Letchworth State Park, went to a war aviation museum, and spent time with the two families we rented a place with.
Our second vacation was a “YOLO” move. Our son will start kindergarten next fall, so we decided to take advantage of off-season prices and four free airline tickets and enjoyed a week near St. Pete’s Beach, FL. The kids were excited about flying and the weather and water were perfect. Until Hurricane Hermine blew in.
Neil had the brilliant idea to purchase an annual family pass to a local museum for $56, because it offers reciprocal relationships at hundreds of attractions across the country, including several near St. Pete’s Beach. It was well worth it just for that week, though we’ll continue to use the pass elsewhere.
Went to two waterparks. We were offered free passes by our generous friends who got them from a work conference. The normal price for one adult is $70! The kids had a blast. The second was a local, much smaller place that we visit once a year. I made the mistake of showing my son in the lazy river, and he wanted nothing to do with waterslides after that.
Celebrated birthdays—three out of the four of us have birthdays within three weeks. We had a family party for our son’s 5th featuring pizza and water balloons. Throwing a Pinterest-worthy party is just not my thing.
Went swimming. My son took his first swim lessons after falling off the dock on our first vacation. We tried to get in as much water exposure as possible without purchasing a pool pass. We visited three free library events at a nearby pool and visited a local lake twice. And of course swimming at the beaches on our vacations. Neil’s sister, who lives nearby, had a pool put in near the end of summer. We were granted a “pool pass” and swam there several times.
Camped four times. We camped with our church Memorial Day and Labor Day weekends, Neil went on a men’s retreat, and also camped out with our son one night. We want more camping, though. Camping really opens the door to affordable travel and recreation. We may squeeze in another trip before it cools off here.
Went to a conference. I’ve been going to the Xenos Summer Institute, a Bible conference, since I was 17, and Neil was going there before we ever met. It’s one of the highlights of the year, and my mom graciously agreed to babysit so we could absorb 2.5 full days of teaching and practical training.
Went to two family weddings. Plus some bridal & baby showers, and Neil’s grandpa’s 99th birthday party!
Watched a lot of Olympics. Go USA! I was useless the week gymnastics was on.
Went to the zoo. We have a pass to the local zoo—we split it with another family so it’s $50 for the year. We buy one every other year since the 13-month pass gets us through most of two summer, plus one off-season.
Road the local scenic railroad. Tickets are almost $20/person, but if you bike the parallel trail one way, you (and your bike) can ride back for $3. Bikes and trains are two of my kids’ favorite things so this activity is always a hit.
Were visited by two out-of-state family members. My dad and sister both came into town this summer, separately.
I’m always a bit sad for summer to end, but I’m enjoying the more structured routines of fall, as well as the seasonal festivities that are especially fun with little ones. A trip to the apple orchard, hiking, pumpkin carving, and campfires are all in our future.
How was your summer? What do you look forward to in fall?
What is the purpose of money? Nothing will clarify your budget, streamline your spending, or motivate your savings more than your answer to that question. I believe the purpose of money is to provide for needs and wants, for myself and others, now and in the future. Today, let’s break down that first part—providing for wants and needs.
Which brings me to a confession. I may be a personal finance blogger, but I can’t tell the difference between wants and needs. It’s Economics 101, yet I fail miserably. I suspect I’m not alone.
Financial advice assumes we’re all able to distinguish between the two. Yet if we actually could, we’d need a lot less financial advice. Of course we all know that food, shelter, and clothing are necessary. We could reasonably add health insurance to the list since it’s required by law. After that things get a bit fuzzy.
For example, are our two vehicles wants or needs? Neil’s work is 11 miles away—bikeable in theory, but it doesn’t work out in reality. Our second car is not necessary since I don’t drive to work, but considering our suburb, climate, and family size we would be quite limited without it.
We’re completely settled on having two cars. Point is—it’s pretty hard to distinguish between wants and needs in a culture where the standard of living is really quite high, life isn’t simple, and we are constantly bombarded with suggestions that we “need” a lot of things to lead a normal life. Like in these ads we made fun of.
According to these definitions, we spend most of our money on wants instead of needs (recent expenses included):
|Food||2nd car insurance, gas, maintenance|
|House & utilities||Cell phones?|
|Health insurance||Any restaurants|
|1st car (insurance, gas, maintenance)||Any hobby costs (gardening supplies, bike gear)|
|Home goods (guest room sheets, curtains)|
|Ministry expenses (retreats, babysitters, hosting)|
|Dates and family outings|
How could I possibly say I’m living simply when I spend most of my money on wants?
You could argue that some of the wants are needs. Maybe I needed spare sheets for the guest room. Who knows?
And then how do you draw the line within categories of “need”? For example, we buy ice cream to have at home. We don’t need to eat ice cream, ever. So food is a need, but ice cream is not. Since we don’t eat at a subsistence level, some of our grocery spending should fall under “want,” not “need.”
Do we need the Internet? Essentially, yes. But in terms of actual survival, of course not. Do we need hobbies? Technically no, but life would be rather sad without them.
Under my definition of money’s purposes, wants are absolutely allowed. So the point here isn’t to seek and destroy the wants, and live in caves. Or to feel guilty if we live in homes instead of caves. Challenging our very conception of “need” can do a world of good, though. Here’s how:
- Get perspective. We are so rich. So blessed. Most of us are reading blog posts on our personal computers with high-speed internet in warm, dry buildings with full bellies. Having our needs met is hardly a question on our radar, and that’s something to be sooo thankful for. Keep gratitude on your radar instead. Any notion of extreme frugality flies out the window when we look at the world around us where half the population lives on $2 a day.
- Get critical. Cultural norms and masterful marketing convince us that we need more everything! Better everything! Newer everything! I am in no way immune. Here’s a silly but real example. Do I need to own a clutch purse and nude heels in order to attend weddings? Or is it fine to feign fashion cluelessness and show up with flip flops and a cross-body purse, as I did this summer?
- Get creative. People don’t challenge anything in the budget that’s deemed a need. But if you can bring that global perspective to bear, you’ll start to squint out your blind spots. For us it was pricey date nights, outings with friends, and travel. We didn’t give up these areas entirely—they’re too closely related to our values. We did find creative ways to cut back when we peeled away their privileged status as “needs.”
- Get generous. Others are in real need. Acknowledging our decadent, want-filled lifestyle isn’t meant to make us feel guilty. Instead, it makes us feel wealthy and ready to share. Getting perspective on our relative affluence prompts us to inflate someone else’s lifestyle instead of our own.
I questioned my definition of “need” and found it wanting. I still can’t tell the difference, but it sure seems luxurious to classify more things as wants than needs. And I feel the need to help those without such luxury more than ever.
Do you hard time distinguishing between wants and needs? What’s a “need” that you’ve challenged?
Before we get to today’s post, I want to thank everyone who nominated us for the Plutus Awards! We are so grateful and honored to be finalists for Best Frugality Blog. Thank you!
Three years after we got our first apartment, the rent was going up. Again. We were thinking about buying a house, but not yet ready. The fee for a month-to-month lease, plus the rent increase, was simply more than we were willing to pay for a one-bedroom place.
At the same time, our best friends’ basement tenants moved out. Someone suggested we move in with them. No thanks, we thought. We’d like to actually stay friends. They also had an infant, which could make the arrangement more complicated.
But the idea grew on us. We looked at other apartments but didn’t find anything we wanted. We were unsure whether home ownership was a good idea for us at all. We had a great longstanding relationship with these friends and our common faith created a basis for resolving conflict. If we could live with anyone, it would be them.
Both families could afford a full-size rent or mortgage, but we enjoyed the mutual benefits of saving money. It was frugal friend synergy at its finest. We settled on $375 for rent and utilities. While we lived there they finished paying off their student loans, and we worked on paying down ours while continuing to save for a house down payment.
Most people would warn that living together is the best way to ruin a friendship, but we remain dear friends. I think we only “fought” once in our year there, and that was just one tense conversation about moving the laundry, which quickly resolved with apologies.
Living with another family did have its challenges. We moved in during the winter and the first week we were freezing our butts off in their basement, even while running up the electricity bill using space heaters. We asked if there was anything we could do, opened and closed some vents, and were much more comfy after that.
We also had to learn to share their galley kitchen, including the refrigerator & freezer. I stocked up less than I would otherwise, we chose certain items to share, and communicated about cooking times. Sometimes we shared meals, sometimes we didn’t. Sometimes we ate our different meals together, sometimes we took our food downstairs to our living area. The shower was also shared–we had a private half bath–but it was fine as long as no one took too long.
We had plenty of space and privacy in the two large lower-level rooms we rented. Fortunately their baby was sleeping through the night by the time we moved in. I’d pity anyone who lived with us during my daughter’s first year!
I also figured out how to balance hanging out with my friend (and mutual friends she had over) with spending quality time with my husband. I couldn’t live in constant slumber party mode with my bestie, though it was great to spend more time with her.
We enjoyed lots of fun times with our friends without having to go out and spend money at all. Each family did some decluttering to make room for each other. We also grew a special relationship with their daughter. Neil even declared himself to be her godfather (we’re not Catholic). I learned a lot about early parenting from their example, and was also on hand to babysit for times like when my friend needed surgery.
A year in our friends’ basement allowed us to save money for our house down payment, but also confirmed we really wanted a house. We ran tons of calculations and decided we’d view our home not as an investment but as a residence. We determined we wanted a house within a mile of these friends. Previously we’d been looking in three neighboring cities. Now we knew our kids had to grow up within walking distance of one another.
Living there also provided a perfect trial for the neighborhood and home style. Most people don’t get to live in a house in their neighborhood before purchasing there. We already knew our neighbors and had a feel for the area by the time we decided to settle down in it. Previously, I refused to view bi-level houses during because I didn’t like the aesthetics. But living in the bottom half of our friends’ bi-level home opened our eyes to all the functional benefits of that blueprint.
Our contract on a home 0.7 miles from theirs fell through and two days later, and the asking price on a bi-level down the street dropped $20,000. We bought it and six years later, we often remark that we couldn’t imagine living any further from them. My five-year-old can walk or bike there, and our kids play together almost every day. We’ve continued having meals together with regular taco nights.
Going against standard wisdom and norms was definitely the best choice for us in this case. Living with our friends was an unconventional living arrangement that not only saved money, but also bought us time to figure out whether, where, and when to buy a home. Both families benefited on financial and relational levels. Since then, we’ve even talked about buying a property together. For now it makes most sense to stay put, but we look back on communal living with fond memories.
This past month we rented out our downstairs bedroom & bath for the first time. It was just for a month, but the space is ready and we’re open to renting or hosting guests there in the future. We’re so glad our friends gave us that alternative and would love to offer the same option to others.
Did anyone else live with friends or family as a married couple? Or rent a room of your home? Would you ever consider it?
This fall will be a great quarter for children’s sports programs as Olympic hopefuls register in droves. Participating in athletics fosters many positive qualities in children, but greatness comes at a cost. Watching the Olympics has left me wondering: how far would we go for our children’s success in sports?
I’m not delusional enough to think we are raising a future Olympian. Yet I did gymnastics for 8 years, at no small cost to my parents. You don’t even have to be good at sports for them to get expensive, so it helps to think through your parenting approach to extra-curriculars.
Those Olympic athletes have arrived at their destination though unimaginable hard work, training, and talent. Their journeys have also been fueled by lots and lots of money. That doesn’t mean they’re all from wealthy families, or that only the wealthy make it that far. Sponsorship, equipment donations, or fundraising can help defray the costs. But even normal participation in childhood sports costs a pretty penny as coaching, equipment, travel, and fees all add up over time.
It’s not just sports where the costs can escalate. It could be music (my parents are musicians, so I should know), art, theater, or any pursuit involving professional lessons, specialized equipment, and other ongoing costs.
Though I naturally wish to divert all discretionary funds toward college, I also want my kids to participate activities that interest them. Endeavors like sports and music teach discipline, teamwork, and sacrifice. They will use parts of their brain school might not engage. And they can establish a degree of health and fitness that carries over into adulthood.
There is incredible value in extracurricular activities, but that does not mean they’re invaluable—i.e., I will not pay any price for them. For example, we would never go into debt for sports. We will not jeopardize financial goals we’ve already determined, like how much to save for college or give to charities. Those are our family boundaries; what are yours?
The high cost of elite achievement isn’t just monetary. My 8 years of moderate training left me with nagging back, wrist, and elbow problems. Had I trained at a higher level, the damage would most likely have been worse.
I remember my dad wanting me to quit gymnastics once I reached a higher level, because he was afraid of injury. At age 13 I dislocated my elbow and chipped a bone, requiring surgery. The long-term effects of the injury have been minor, but I’ll never forget having a bone reset.
Major injuries aren’t the only cause for concern. Pediatricians are reporting increasing rates of overuse injuries. Kids are training longer, harder, and more frequently and sustaining injuries unrelated to any specific incident such as my fall.
Why are kids so prone to over-training? One factor is the hope of scholarships. With college tuition skyrocketing, parents and kids alike are looking to sports as their meal (and tuition) ticket. Even if you’re not counting on this, other parents are, which makes the sport more competitive.
In the end, lots of time and money is spent on what’s essentially a gamble. Whether the child will be good enough, want to continue, and will avoid injury is harder to predict than index fund growth. I’m placing more hopes for covering college costs in a 529 than a sport.
In a culture finally noticing our need for simplicity, parents’ schedules are jam-packed with shuttling kids to and from activities. Even if your family follows the conventional wisdom of one sport per season per kid, that can mean three different activities if you have three kids. Multiply that times 3-5 practices a week and forget side-hustling, or simplicity. You’re an unpaid Uber driver.
While sacrificing time for your kids is normal, revolving your entire lives around sports schedules needn’t be. I hear stories all the time of family members missing milestone events like baptisms and weddings because of children’s sports practices.
Madeline Levine’s studies in The Price of Privilege found affluent children to be at high risk of developing emotional disorders and risky behaviors. Some reasons include being over-scheduled by their parents, not learning to manage free time (because they have none), and being pressured to succeed in too many areas. We want our children to try their best, but we don’t want to pressure them into success.
Here are a few parent-approved tactics for reclaiming your time and money from sports.
- Set limits ahead of time. One extracurricular per season per kid is a good starting point.
- Take a season off. Summer may be a good time to lay low. Off-season allows for other activities such as travel, trips to the pool, or playing with friends.
- Let the child choose. Just because you were an all-star football player doesn’t mean Johnny wants to be one, too. Wait until kids are old enough to express an interest in an activity. With rare exceptions, your kid isn’t going to get a huge leg up in sports by starting at age 2 or 3. I’ve heard of 2 year olds in teeball. What? They just learned how to walk!
- Encourage backyard sports. Go shoot some hoops, play catch, or turn cartwheels with your kid to give them low-key sports exposure. When they have friends over, have some basic sports equipment like a balls, bats, and mitts so they can play with the neighborhood kids.
- Stay local. Stick with local, not traveling teams, if you’re trying to limit the cost and time associated with sports.
- Ask for recommendations. If you don’t want your 5-year-old in a Dance Moms scenario, wearing obscene amounts of make-up and developing an eating disorder while you defuse cat-fights in the waiting room–get a recommendation!
I admire and respect Olympians immensely, and I can’t imagine how amazing and supportive their parents must have been. I also can’t say what I’d do if I ever found myself in their situation. But for now, I hope my kids can gain the benefits of extra-curriculars without paying a high price in areas we value such as relationships, volunteering, and unstructured play.
How has your family approached sports? Any advice from seasoned parents is welcome!
Talk about partying like it’s 1999!
“I didn’t know you play video games,” my mother-in-law commented.
I don’t. But back in the day I used to play Aladdin. It was the only video game I ever beat. Neil had the game too, and we reminisced about it after showing our kids the movie Aladdin for the first time. On VHS.
Yes, we own a VHS player. And our TVs are CRTs.
There’s also the tape player in my car. My mom’s given me a host of children’s stories on tape. And mix tapes featuring Simon and Garfunkle, Neil Diamond, and the like. Which is awesome since the oldies station is now playing 80s music.
My laptop is coming up on its 9th birthday. It doesn’t shut, which mostly defeats the purpose, but it works.
My phone also testifies to the past. It’s decidedly dumb. Yet its charge lasts a whole day (my old one lasted nearly a week!). And it doesn’t tempt me to stare at Twitter all day.
You guys, I write down directions when I drive to a new place. It’s crazy.
I do own a broken iPod nano! It works as long as it’s plugged in to a power source.
I don’t collect vinyl. I don’t think it’s virtuous to stay behind the times. I’m sure I’ll have to forsake my nearly obsolete technology soon. I just don’t like buying new stuff when my old stuff still works. And in some ways, the old technology works better. My childhood audio tapes are still intact, but my iPod’s power button is stuck and doesn’t work. Audio tapes = 25 years old. iPod = six years old.
If you don’t have children you might not know that Disney obnoxiously “locks” their movies in a “vault” to artificially create scarcity. Then they release one every so often and sell it for whatever they want because demand is high.
VHS tapes go for 60 cents at the thrift store near us. That’s less than one day of library fines on an overdue DVD! There are plenty of familiar titles to choose from. They also don’t get scratched, and they’re cartoons, so who cares whether they’re in HD?
Neil kept the Nintendo he bought in high school, and his Sega Genesis. When my dad moved out of state, he gave us his Bally Arcade system, Atari, and games. We don’t play a lot of video games and we definitely won’t let our kids waste too much of their lives in front of a screen. But playing them together makes a good family night activity every now and then. And they are much simpler and less over-simulating than newer games. Pacman is perfect for a five-year-old.
When my last phone broke, I got a new one on Craigslist the same day. For $10. And it won’t start malfunctioning when Apple stops supporting older versions of the iPhone.
And I already told you about That Time I Invented the Kindle…and Why I Still Don’t Have One.
It’s important to stay technologically literate and we consider having a TV and some video games part of being hospitable. Neil is an electrical engineer–he loves electronic technology sooo much and waited sooo patiently for his work to pay for a smart phone.
Yes, we love technology. We’re just not ready to pitch perfectly fun and functional media, even if it is outdated and takes up a bit more space than the digital counterparts.
Does anyone else own outdated technology or media? What benefits do you see?
Filling water balloons really gives a person time to reflect. Life has been feeling complicated, and I’ve been feeling guilty about that.
After all, scores of articles suggest that life would be more manageable if I just simplified it. Their short, percussive paragraphs try to soothe the soul. They inspire me to clean out my kitchen junk drawer, because if I had less junk in there, my life would definitely be better. Zombie-like, I close the tab and start throwing away broken pens in a passionate quest to regain control.
Next I’m told to attack my closet with a vengeance. If I get rid of perfectly good clothing and replace it with sustainably-made tees, I will muster enough dormant brainpower to invent the next Facebook. Or at least appear on Shark Tank.
According to these sources, it’s not just my belongings that need to be simplified. My schedule is also a disaster. If I stopped hanging out with anyone who brings me down, I’d be a lot better off. If I just said “no” to all the stuff other people want me to do, I could say yes to what I truly want. I will find peace.
I beg to differ.
What Does Simple Living Mean?
Simple living used to be a euphemism for resisting over-consumption. Living on less certainly makes life easier. Cutting the stuff we don’t care about, like pedicures and elaborate birthday parties and toddler tee-ball, saves so much time and money. “Simple living” in this sense allows us to be a one-income family and do volunteer ministry.
Recently, the terms simplicity and minimalism seem to encompass all of life—your time, experiences, relationships, possessions, work—everything. I agree with so much of this thinking. Cultural trends to over-schedule kids in lots of extracurriculars, stay hyper-productive at all times, or work crazy hours to pay for crazy stuff are bogus and need to be challenged.
But why do I leave the simplicity articles feeling frustrated by my not-so-simple life?
The problem with “simple living” is that…
Life isn’t simple.
Having a family is complicated. Sometimes I’d like to have a less hectic calendar with more flexible days. We are not “overscheduled” in the traditional sense. Our 5-year-old has taken one structured class, ever–swim lessons. He hasn’t been to a day of school in his entire life (no, I’m NOT homeschooling).
So how’d our schedule get so complicated? Well, there’s the part where we lead a home church and various small groups. There’s the part where I oversee the children’s ministry for our church. And there’s the part where my husband wants to make as many fun memories as a family while our kids are still young enough to like us. I wouldn’t trade these for all the simplicity in the world.
When life feels convoluted, I have to remember that I’m married. I have children. And these people have opinions and preferences that I must take into consideration. There’s nothing simple about that.
Relationships are complicated. Having friends brings so much joy, but it’s also complicated. Weeping with those who weep and rejoicing with those who rejoice doesn’t simplify my feelings or my schedule. I’m far from a perfect friend, daughter, or sister. But I do devote time, energy, thought, prayer, and emotion to the people in my life.
Living in a broken world is complicated. If simple living means finding what makes you happy and filling your life with that, people will starve. Humans will be sold into slavery. Orphans will go homeless. I don’t imagine we will end these horrors entirely. But simple living shouldn’t mean ignoring the immense need all around so we can be more comfortable. Rather, helping those in need should motivate us to free up time and money, not for our own peace and enjoyment, but for the sake of others. We can all be activists for at least one cause.
Find Purpose, Not Balance
In light of the world we live in, we don’t need to “find balance” or “live simply.” We need to live on purpose, and that is going to feel both complicated and imbalanced at times.
Of course we need to take care of ourselves to avoid burn-out. We need to relax, refresh, and reflect on a regular basis. We very much need to recognize our limitations and accommodate those.
I’ve fallen into the trap of thinking my life would be calmer if I could find the perfect ratio of activities and downtime. Or figure out when to say yes and when to say no. Seeking a rational schedule is fine, but expecting my life to feel straightforward is irrational.
I’ve been striving for simplicity in the superficial areas: my calendar, my spending, and my junk drawer. What I really need is simplicity of purpose. And I already have that. We hope to inflate others’ lifestyles instead of our own. I know many other minimalist/simplicity movement people are doing the same, but I hope the purpose doesn’t get lost in the practical when it comes to applying their advice.
Does life feel complicated? What cause are you passionate about?
Birthdays: we all have ’em. They’re the best day of the year when you’re a kid, but the excitement drops off rapidly after age 21.
Perhaps adults try to artificially recreate that childhood joy with lots of birthday festivities extending far beyond one day. Hence the oxymoron “birthday week” entered common parlance. You know, you go out with your friends the Friday before your birthday. Then your spouse takes you on a special birthday date, or perhaps throws you a party (good spouse!). Then your parents take you out to lunch, or invite you over for dinner. Then the in-laws want in on the birthday action. At each point, gifts and food are lavished on you and countless hours are spent celebrating your mere existence.
I’m all for celebrations and even gifts. But what if you just pretended not to have a birthday? After all, birthdays are about growing up, and growing up is largely about realizing life is not about me.
Downplay the B-day
Let me confess I was a bit spoiled in the birthday department while growing up. Of the five kids in my family, I was the only one who got to celebrate my birthday with a full-on birthday party every year. I attribute this not to favoritism, but because my grandparents had a pool. And who doesn’t want to close out summer with another pool party?
My son was born 10 days after my birthday. His impending arrival overshadowed my day somewhat that year. The next year his first birthday did the overshadowing. Last year it was my trip to India.
And you know what? I really liked it.
Sure, family and friends wished me well and I received some gifts. But there was no drawn-out festival surrounding what amounted to just another day of my life.
I don’t want to sound ungrateful for all the birthday wishes, calls, gifts, or parties I’ve received over the years. And I’m no humbug about other people’s birthdays. I’ve thrown parties and baked cakes and all that. I’m just not going to make much of my own anymore. If only this could slow down the aging process as well 🙂
Don’t Pretend Others Don’t Have Birthdays
If you want to celebrate with someone close to you, here are some ideas for keeping it special, yet simple. Just pick one or two!
- A call or card. Call, ask about birthday plans, but don’t keep the person on the phone too long. Or get a simple card and write an encouraging, meaningful message about what he or she means to you.
- Make them a cake. I inadvertently brought a friend to tears one year simply by making her a cake. My husband doesn’t like cake, so I’ll make him a favorite food. One year I prepared an epic nacho bar for him & his friends.
- A small, thoughtful gift. I don’t believe in buying birthday gifts just to buy them. You will not see me stocking up on Bath & Body Works stuff to hand out to random friends throughout the year. If I have a great idea or know they need something, I’m more likely to spring for a present. Neil and I do exchange gifts, especially since we don’t shop much for ourselves.
- An outing together. To avoid birthday week, this should be reserved for the SO or BFF. Some of my favorites have been going for ice cream, a free concert in the park, going to a beach, or watching the Perseides Meteor shower. My condolences if your birthday doesn’t fall during this awesome spectacle. Oh, and when my friend took me to see A Midsummer’s Night Dream at a gorgeous outdoor venue! That was fancy.
- Leave them alone. When Neil asked me what I wanted for my birthday this year, I might have accidentally said this. For the introverts in your life, alone time could be the best gift of all, especially if they have kids.
- Babysit. We were so grateful to have a babysitter so we could eat delicious Nepali food in peace. Free babysitting is one of the best gifts you can give a parent.
In summary, I try not to make a big to-do about my own birthday, and try to make a small to-do about others’ birthdays.
How do you celebrate your birthday? What do you do for others’ birthdays?