Weird Habits of Suburbanites
Ah, the sights and sounds of autumn. The crunch of leaves, the bright blue sky, the brilliant foliage…
And the deafening sound of leaf blowers. Inefficient, loud, lazy leaf blowers blowing six leaves at a time, when a rake can coral hundreds at once.
Here are some more weird habits I’ve noticed in our Midwestern suburb. No offense if you do any of these. We do some weird stuff, too, like raising chickens, hauling manure in our hatchback Focus, and baiting swarms of bees. And there’s the time my kid peed in the middle of a Kan jam tournament. Maybe we just belong in the country. That’s why we’re rocking the burbstead.
- Mulch flower beds. Every spring, mulch is advertised ubiquitously and many homeowners spend a bunch of time and money spreading mulch on their flower beds. God forbid we let the dirt show. I suppose it may cut back on weeds, but I can’t imagine why mulch is so highly coveted come spring in the suburbs.
- Plant annuals. While you’re picking up mulch, why not buy a few flats of impatiens or other small, non-fragrant flowers, and painstakingly plant them strategically around your home? Never mind that they’ll be dead within two months, and that you’ll have to do it all over again next year. We’d rather grow something edible.
- Stay inside. Once those beds are mulched and annuals planted, most people hibernate until it’s time to blow leaves. The yards people moved to the ‘burbs for sit largely untouched, except to mow the grass. Just about everyone has an unused patio furniture set and a grill that makes all of four burgers a year. People with children might venture out a bit more but for the most part the prized decks, patios, and lawns of suburban homes lie empty.
- Not meet their neighbors. We’ve thrust ourselves upon the neighbors by baking them cookies when we moved in as well as when anyone new moves into the ‘hood. (Thank God the pastry chef was NOT HOME when I took them some slightly-too-crisp chocolate chip cookies before I learned her profession.) Anywho, meeting your neighbors takes work nowadays, and even some pretty sneaky moves like just *happening* to check the mail at the same time.
- Park in the driveway. Let’s just be honest–having a garage is one of the biggest advantages of suburban vs. city dwelling. Where else are you going to store all your extra junk? I mean, park your car. Wait no, definitely store the junk. We only park in our garage in the winter, and only then after a massive garage clean-out in which we fold up the stroller, bike trailer, ping pong table, chicken feeders, and other trappings of burbstead life.
- Buy each other’s stuff at yard sales. Speaking of garages, when do we venture out to see our neighbors? When we want to buy their stuff on mad discount at garage sales. Two fancier neighborhood have community garage sales and it’s crazy how people show up early to start rifling through other people’s junk. We went and scored some K’nex which have been a huge hit.
- Trash pick each other’s stuff. What’s more embarrassing than haggling over your neighbor’s used furniture? Picking it out of their tree lawn under cover of darkness later. Not that we would know 🙂
- Own too many tools. Clearly every homeowner needs to own a pressure washer, an extension ladder, a post hole digger, a table saw, a hydraulic jack, and an air compressor. We wouldn’t want to share or anything. That’d be too neighborly. Instead we’ll all spend thousands of dollars on all this equipment we rarely use, and store it all in our garages where our cars don’t fit, so that we don’t ever have to meet each other. Or, if you’re like us, wait until someone throws out their broken equipment and…well, you know the rest.
- Treat their lawns. Grass, that stubborn plant that cannot be allowed into the flower beds, is highly coveted in the rest of the yard. Clover, on the other hand, is intolerable. People pay a small fortune for toxins to kill any non-grass plants that may dare to grow. Maybe it’s my Irish heritage, but I can’t imagine what’s so offensive about clover, and certainly won’t be paying anyone to kill it.
- Helicopter parent. Another supposed advantage of the suburbs is their safety, yet we’re still expected to watch our kids like hawks. Go to a suburban playground and observe the moms. They are on the slides, up the ladders, and generally following their children at no more than a two-step distance. They are most certainly not sitting and watching from the park benches, lest they be accused of negligence. I love when no one is at the park (which happens often since no one goes outside) so I can sit down for once in my life and just do nothing. Isn’t that what playgrounds are for?
Has anyone observed these or other strange suburban habits? What are some quirky country or city ways you’ve noticed?